We Wont Stop 'till we have Underpants
by D McVetty
Summary: Tormented by nightly visits, the unhinged Tweek hires a particular mercenary to protect his underwear from the gnomes for a night. / grade school story


**info ;;** Just a totally random story. I re-watched a few episodes with Tweek today and the Underpants Gnomes reminded me of The Mole... thus this was born. Yup. Review if you enjoyed, flame if you didn't.

**warnings / disclaim ;;** No warnings! I don't think there's any swearing. But there is smoking and reference to underpants. Also, I don't own South Park.

* * *

"Can you -ngh- do me a favor?"

Smoke curls up towards the sky. His dark eyes watch the twitching blonde curiously, blinking lazily. "_Oui_?" he aks, prompting a response.

"I -ngh- was wondering if you could comeovertonight," the spazzy blonde rushes, his hands twitching together.

After a long pause, the smoking mercenary flicks the cigarette away, moving away from the wall. "_Oui_," he says. "When?"

His neck twitches to the side and his eyes close tight for a brief second. "GAH! Around two in the m-morning," he answers. "You'll have to c-come through the -ngh- window."

Mole nods, walking past the blonde. "I weel be zhere," he says.

.

.

Two in the morning comes fast for Tweek. It usually does. Sitting in his bed, his eyes focus on his bottom drawer, like every night for the last three years. He's never gotten rid of the gnomes, and if they keep it up, they may just kill him. His parents could only afford to buy so many pairs of underpants. They were already suspicious, but he couldn't possibly explain to them what he saw.

So he hired Christophe to protect his underwear.

It is a brilliant plan, and he can't believe he came up with it himself. His shaky hands grip the coffee cup on his night stand and bring it to his lips. Sipping the bitter liquid, he blinks rapidly, staring at his drawer. A sharp rap on his window makes him jump, nearly spilling the coffee across his badly buttoned shirt. Before he has time to respond, Mole is pushing the pane open and crawling through his window. The strange boy is wearing olive drab slacks and a beat up black tank top. He is dragging his shovel with him, and leans against it as he surveys the room, not bothering to close the drafty window.

Tweek eyes the shovel warily before coming to the only conclusion he could. "GAH! W-what do you need that f-for, man? Oh, Jesus, are you gonna k-kill me?"

Mole's lip turns up in a half smile. "_Non_, my twitchee friend. What iz zhe problem?"

Breathing lighter, Tweek looks back to the drawer, pointing a trembling finger. "The _gnomes_," he croaks loudly.

"Zhe gnomes?" Mole appears confused, and he narrows his eyes.

"The underpants gnomes," Tweek says, pulling the blankets to his face, peering over them. "T-they steal my -ngh- underpants. Every night. GAH!"

Mole looks down at the drawer, then to the frightened, twitching blonde beneath the covers. "Why do zhey do zhat?" he asks, finding the entire situation ridiculously obscure.

"I don't k-know, man! Its too much pressure!" Tweek cowers beneath the blanket, eyes frantically darting between the boy and the drawer. For a moment, he stops twitching all together, then he yanks the covers over his head. "GAH! T-they're coming!" he squeeks. "D-don't let them -ngh- steal my underwear!"

Staring at the trembling mass beneath the blankets, Mole sighs. He doesn't have time to extract his classmate from the blankets. The door moves open slowly, letting in four tiny creatures with ridiculously pointy hats. One has a cigarette between his teeth, anotehr carries a spoon strapped to his back. Mole can't believe his eyes, but it doesn't stop him from his task. He moves quickly, slamming the shovel down in front of the drawer.

The leader of the gnomes looks up in surprise, blinking rapidly at the tall human. "What do you want?" it asks.

"I am here to protect zhe underwear," Mole replies casually. "Leave now, and I won't have to hurt you."

"Hah! Like you could do anything to me!" the gnome scoffs, moving around Mole's shovel to pull at the drawer.

Mole pushes it away with his foot, scowling. "Why do you want zhem, aneeway?" he asks.

"It's all part of the plan," the disgruntled gnome answers.

"The p-plan! AGH!" Tweek's cry of despair wafts from the blanket fort he's created for himself.

Mole eyes the living bed before looking back to the gnome, who had taken the time to move around the shovel and continue to try and get inside. Mole squats down and picks the gnome up by the back of it's shirt, bringing it to eye level. "I do not want to hurt you. Leave now, non?"

"Let go!" the gnome squeaks in protest.

"Agree."

"Never!"

Mole shoos the other three gnomes away from the drawer, focusing on the one pinched between his fingers. "Zhen why do you need zhem?" he asks again.

"Step one, collect underpants!" the gnome squeals.

"And step two?"

The gnome is silent. It stares at him, opens its mouth, and stops. "Step three, profit!"

"Zhere is no step two?" Mole asks.

"Sure there is," the gnome says defensively.

"Zhen what iz eet?"

The gnome is again silent. It opens its mouth, but no sound comes out. "Step three, profit!"

Mole sets the gnome on the floor, watching as it picks itself up and brushes its clothes into place. "Profit?" he asks.

"Step three," the gnome agrees.

Mole bites his lip, nodding. "I can see zhat," he answers. The gnome looks hopeful, but he still shakes his head. "I cannot let you een zhe drawer."

"What do I have to do?" the gnome asks. "We need the underwear!"

"Zhere is a room down zhe hall," he answers, pointing out the door. "Go zhere."

The gnome stares at him strangely before motioning to his companions and leaving, pulling the door closed behind him.

"A-are they -ngh- gone?" Tweek asks, peeking out from under the covers.

"_Oui_," Mole answers.

"T-thank you, Mole. I don't -GAH- know what I w-would have done without -ngh- you."

Mole shrugs. "Eet will be five dollars," he says.

"I'll p-pay you at school, okay?" Tweek asks, staring at the door.

"_Oui._ I know where you live."

Tweek twitches. "Oh _jesus_," he moans.

From the hallway, Mole hears a triumphant squeak, followed by _"They're frilly, too!"_


End file.
